shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
