So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
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so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
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Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.