Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
