Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
