he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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