wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
