My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
