after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
