Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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