if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
