Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is Oprah even human
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina