I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
