Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
