im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
false alarm, still single
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
