I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
