I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
