at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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