dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Small penises have feelings too.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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