Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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