Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
