I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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