yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Are we still banned from the library?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
