You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
