why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
