You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
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i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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