Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Everyone says I win the strip club
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
