His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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