Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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