Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you had me at cake vodka
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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