i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Say something about gay babies.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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