Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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