1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
