either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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