I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We are all done wearing pants today
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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