Girls should come with a carfax report
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
