Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
