I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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