I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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