I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
