cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...