If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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