Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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