I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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