My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
