dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
