If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
