i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
