I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
