Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I fill condoms, not promises.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
