I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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