k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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