I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
only you would photoshop your dick
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
