The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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