ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Can you bring me the toilet please
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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