i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
