I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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